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어제도 제가 화가 나는 일이 있어서 도대체 제 생각이 잘못 되었는지 남자분의 생각을 듣고 싶습니다.
중요한 편지를 영문으로 작성해야 되길래 남편에게 부탁을 했습니다. 남편이 작성한 후 저보고 한번 훑어보라고 하더군요. 그리고 남편은 잠시 담배 피러 나갔다 왔구요. 저도 그글을 다 읽어보고 잠시 다른 방에 갔다 오면서 서로 타이밍이 안맞게 되었어요. 그런데 제가 두가지를 편지에 넣었으면 하는 생각에 편지 업데이트를 하고 있는 남편에게 “여기 아래 쪽으로 내려봐” 이렇게 말하는데 화를 내는 겁니다. (참고로 저희는 동갑) 이유인 즉슨 첫번째 명령조로 말을 했다는 겁니다. 두번째 인터럽트를 했다는 이유죠. 저희 부부 결혼한 지 19년 됩니다. 저보고 다른 사람한테는 그렇게 못할 거라고 말을 해요.
당연히 다른 사람한테는 그렇게 안하죠. 저는 부부니까 당연히 가까워서 그렇게 했구요. 또 끝까지 미안하다는 말 안한다고 늘 그렇듯이 저를 아이처럼 훈계해요.(정말 질리는 부분이죠) 저 처음으로 솔직하게 미안한 생각은 안들지만 남편이 싫어하는 행동은 안하겠다고 몇번이나 얘기했어요.
제가 궁금한 것은 제가 정말 다른 부부들은 안하는 그런 상식에 벗어나 잘못은 했나요? 남편이 상식이 없다고 말하네요. 궁금합니다. 미리 의견 주시는 분들께 감사드립니다.
(저에게는 매우 심각한 문제입니다. 이런 문제로 지금까지도 이혼을 하고 싶은 충동을 느끼고 있습니다. 절대로 악플은 사양합니다.)
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It is very familiar to me. My wife came to this world actually a couple of months ahead of me. I don’t think (and i believe you already knew) there is any universal solution or root cause. So it’s just my mumbling but hope it may help a little.
Those feelings may tend to be stored inside, intentionally or not. I think that can be more true for a man (not that I am any expert on woman psycology^^
since a man is usally less talkative when there isn’t a precise problem to solve. But whether he talks or not, it stays inside and almost never disappears autoamtically (I call it ‘return-of-zombi’ ^.^) It will more likely surface many days, many weeks, even many years later. So I would like to say not to focus on that argument happened on that day and step back a step or two (well I am not saying that’s easy since you must get hurt already but you are a couple, living together for so many years, right?)A Man tends to view a matter as a problem-soving. A moon on the sky is not a problem (unless he is a any kond of astronauts). A cozy coffe house you both just passed by surely isn’t any problem to solve and editing a text may not be seen as a problem to solve neither unless there is a clear typo or something. Also a man, consciously or unconsciously, tends to regard ‘being respected’ or ‘being considered as the capable’ as a matter of life and death (OK, I am exaggerating here). I believe you had no intention to question his ‘capability’ or to show disrespect by just saying ‘여기 아래 쪽으로 내려봐’ but his state of mind could received it otherwise (‘why are you questioning my capability?’ Or ‘what makes you think I deserve such disrespect?’) It’s not about if he loves you as before or not but it’s just rather another cross street on your way of going some where; you can make right or left or go straight but you never consider that as loving or hating.
Yes, we can ask a husband to understand his wife’s way of thinking first, but then it could easily be an endless loop (maybe another catch-22: ‘I can’t do this unless something happens while that something will never happen until I do that’) I would like to ask you not to focus on that incident and then try to catch another moment on that you can recognize his ‘capability’ a little bit. It probably won’t be the same text writing but may be moving a couch, finding the right TV channel quickly, etc (all almost meaningless but can make a huge difference)
If I can have a say to your husband, I may ask him to again defocus on the incident but to get a chance to involve you in the process of doing something (well again not a huge task but say, moving a flower vase, selecting the font, etc, which he may not need but not cost much neither)
I don’t think you and your husband have any serious problem to consider something like divorce. But when you both just keep digging the very issue deeper and deeper while the root cause may be in a mile away, it may grow fast. When I look back, the similar problem exists from the day one but in the early days of the marrage, there were just too many new things we wanted to do together and all those ‘fresh things’ now became naturally too much routine, nothing fresh unless I try develop a new one. When things became routine the very thing being stored inside started to surface in every possible occasion. It’s nobody’s fault and no one to be blamed but something you both want to attack together.